{ unsent }

[onlydancing]

Dear Jean-Paul,

The handwriting won’t be familiar to you, because it isn’t your sister writing you, but a woman who calls herself Odile. Just like the sorcerer’s daughter in Swan Lake, but not inspired by her. When I asked her about it, she told me that she has never heard of the ballet before. Imagine, Jean-Paul – a world where they do not know of Swan Lake… But Odile is a kind soul who will note down everything I dictate to her and she has taken me in, so that I am staying with her in her room at the brothel the place where we are lodging. I know the way down the stairs now, out into the streets and don’t bump into everything anymore. She has helped me learn my way. I find it ironic… in a way… that the dark Odile would prove to be my saviour. Perhaps it is because… in the darkness, nothing casts a shadow. Everyone is equal.

How is mother? Oh, please say… please say that my disappearance… has lifted a burden from off her shoulders. I think about you both… very often, Jean-Paul. You must understand, I left only because I had to! Staying in Paris, staying a part of your lives – it would only have brought you pain and trouble. My beloved brother… I would never wish to cause you any pain, but this was in order to save you from an even greater hurt. Of seeing me like this, reduced to something so worthless and void of hope. So void of… light. A fallen woman, that is what your sister has become. A fallen woman who hopes for nothing anymore, but the coins to buy her daily bread.

I often dream about you. I dream about us dancing again. In my dreams, the stage is lit up from all sides. We are embraced by light and our every movement is light as feathers. No dancer, past or present, has possessed the grace with which we dance in my dreams, Jean-Paul. It is the grace one can only receive from Heaven. At that moment… I wake up and I realise… it must be what death would feel like. Such freedom, freedom from all that is touched by sorrow or shade.

My dearest brother. Although I cannot be with you, know that you are in my thoughts and that I love you. I wish you all the best in life.

With the deepest devotion,
Lilith